mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize