I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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