I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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