I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
