Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
