she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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