If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
