im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
