my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
