Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
