The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
