So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
