if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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