Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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