Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
