Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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