Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
