Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
