I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize
