Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
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You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
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If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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