I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You may now shotgun with the bride
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
