this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
