I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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