It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
