Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
