i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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