Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
