I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Couch. On fire.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
