drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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