I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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