i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
