i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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