New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
