she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
