I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
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His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
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Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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