I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
