Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
