I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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