when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.