By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...