Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
