I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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