this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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