Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
