I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
