During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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