i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
