I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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