I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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