Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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