i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
