I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
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We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
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Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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