i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
