farters have to be the big spoon...
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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